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Another example of where I was the bad online date. Kind of. My friends love this story though.
I met this woman who I'll call "Victoria" on one of the popular dating sites. Victoria and I went on three dates, all to play golf or hit balls. After each round, one of us had something to do, so it never progressed beyond that, though it seemed we were both into each other. Finally, after the third golf date, I suggested we get together for dinner. She agreed, though her one caveat was that she was an early person. She liked eating before 6PM, was always in bed and asleep by 9PM, as she liked getting up around 5AM to workout and avoid the crowds. She usually did it seven days a week, unless it was a special occasion.
I thought maybe our first dinner, being on a Friday night, could qualify as a special occasion, though she insisted on having dinner early...5:30PM. That's way too early for me, but I liked her, so I went but couldn't eat much, I just wasn't hungry. We ended up back at her place by 7:30PM, and went right into the bedroom and things got heavy. By 8:45PM, she was sound asleep but I was wide awake. And bored. I got dressed and went out to her living room to watch TV for awhile. Within an hour or two, I was hungry and she had nothing to eat. Not really sure of the right protocol, I called my best friend, Kristina, for advice.
Me: Hey, I just had sex with this woman but she fell asleep by 8:45PM and now I'm bored and hungry and she has nothing to eat. Do you think she'd get pissed if I just left and went home? I could leave a note by the bed saying I wasn't sure if I had left my oven on or not.
Kris: Duh. Of course, that would be rude.
Me: What if I just leave the door unlocked, go to Taco Bell, and bring it back?
Kris: No you idiot. If she wakes up, she'll think you're an ass clown for leaving her door open.
Me: But I'm really hungry.
Kris: Just order a pizza.
Me: Really? You don't think that would be rude?
Kris: Nah. If you aren't sure, just take the leftovers and the box and put it in your car when you are done.
So that's what I did. Then around 3AM, I went back to bed, cuddled up with her, and at 5AM she woke up and told me I was the first guy to ever hold her all night. She seemed so excited that I didn't want to tell her the truth. The next date pretty much went the same. I got up, watched TV, ordered pizza, went back to bed, in the morning she told me how great I was for holding her all night. Then on the next date, there was nothing good on TV. Another call to Kristina.
Me: There's nothing good on TV. Are you sure it would be rude to leave? I'm really bored.
Kris: What about pay per view?
Me: Pay per view? Don't you think that would be really rude to order a movie that she'll get charged for?
Kris: Nah. She'll think the cable company screwed up and will call and yell at them to take it off her bill.
Me: Oh, ok.
By the time we had our next date, Kristina was in town staying with my friend Ally. I asked Victoria to have dinner with Kristina, as I liked her (despite the early dinner thing) and wanted her to meet my closest friends. Once again, she insisted that we eat at 5:30PM, even when I pointed out that for Kristina, it would feel like 2:30PM as she's from California. I asked for just the one exception, and she said no. Kristina on the other hand had no desire to meet for dinner at 5:30PM, so we weren't able to set anything up.
Now another thing about this woman, while I really did like her despite her insistence on eating and going to bed so damn early, is that she only drank wine - so no beer - and really had no food...nothing! But things were going well, so I decided to have dinner with her but stopped at the grocery story on my way to meet her and picked up a case of beer and some Doritos, which I left in my car. This time when she fell asleep, I not only ordered pizza, but brought in the beer and munchies. But when I drink alone, I feel like I need to be in AA. So I called Kristina.
Me: Hey, I'm getting kind of buzzed here and I'm drinking alone.
Kris: You shouldn't get drunk alone. You'll end up in AA.
Me: Yeah, that's what I was thinking. It's OK to get drunk if you are in a group, but not alone.
Kris: Yep, I agree.
Me: So come over and hang out with me.
Kris: Are you nuts? I'm not coming over to some strange woman's place while she's asleep.
Me: C'mon. She's snoring and won't wake up. I've still got a lot of pizza, beer and Doritos. Plus Flight of the Concords is coming on in 30 minutes and Ally doesn't have HBO.
Kris: (Yelling in the background) Allysen, do you have HBO? (long pause...more yelling in the background) Scott wants to know if we want to go over and watch it while his girl-thing is sleeping. (pause) Yeah, but he has pizza and beer and Doritos (pause...now back talking to me) Allysen wants to know what kind of pizza it is.
Well, I sold them on coming over and hanging out. As I was giving them directions, I felt a presence in the room and looked back over my shoulder to see my date staring at me. Told Kristina I had to go and would call her back. She spent the next 30 minutes telling me what a jerk I was and couldn't believe I was inviting my friends over while she was asleep. But she made the mistake of asking me "What would you think if you woke up in the middle of the night and found me and my friends sitting in your living room getting drunk, eating pizza and watching movies?" I had to give her my honest answer..."THAT would be cool!" Because I was a bit too buzzed to drive, I convinced her to let me stand in her hallway and call Kristina and Allysen to come pick me up and have one of them drive my car back. Yeah, I'm a jerk, but a responsible one!
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