Badonlinedates.com Tired of bad dates? Totally free dating community

Myth 1: The best way to get to know someone is to go on a date.   For a girl who writes a dating advice column, it’s ironic that I actually hate dating. Using a date to get to know someone is like going on the worst kind of interview, except you get judged for your entire persona: your personality, you interests, your humor, your background, your career, not just your job history and professional credentials. You know from the onset that you’re there to be judged for future dating potential, and your date knows the exact same things is happening to them as well. You both put on your best garb and pretend that little elephant in the room doesn’t exist. This is exactly why a date is not the best way to get to know someone. It’s staged. It’s unnatural. It’s nothing like real life. The whole point of dating is to set aside some time to get to know someone, but in fact you only get to know that person’s best version of himself or herself.  

If that’s the whole point of a date, then if there is any other way you can spend time with a person in a natural context where you both aren’t put on the spot, go for it. I’m talking about hanging out in a natural environment with friends or coworkers. You can learn a lot more about what a person is like when you observe them when they’re not trying to impress you, and they are just being themselves. I guess I see it all backwards. I see friendship as a way to get to know someone and then “dating” as what you do when you already know them and you’re interested in a relationship with them. When you date someone you already have gotten to know pretty well as a friend, or even someone you’re already in a relationship with, it’s just two people doing fun things together, no awkwardness or tension. But when you use dates to get to know someone, as soon as you single them out, they know you’re interested, you know they’re interested, assume that things are different. They are on their best behavior now, and that’s not exactly who they are on a daily basis. That’s why I’m a fan of friendship to get to know someone and dating when I know them enough to want to be in a relationship with them. 

Myth 2: People act like themselves on a date.  Knowing I write a dating column, a coworker asked me this week, “How do you know that the person you’re meeting on a first date is genuine, that they’re being real?”  My response: “You don’t. You have to assume what you’re getting on the first couple of dates is not who this person really is. That works both ways, if they seem too amazing and when the date turns out horribly.” 

To continue with the first myth, people don’t act like themselves on a date; they act like the best version of themselves, and even possibly the version they think you’ll like. (If the date turns out well) That’s a scary thought. Why? Because if you’re not getting to know who they really are, but just the best version of themselves, one day the regular day to day person is bound to come out. And how do you know you’ll like that person? Think about it. Who really gets the genuine version of you? Your date or the friend you call up at the end of the night to share your date rants and raves? It’s our friends who know who we really are, not our dates. So my advice is, get to know those potential love interests in a friend setting if you really want to know what they’re really like.  

Myth 3: A Bad date means we’re not compatible.   Not necessarily. I know a lot of people have awful dates. That shouldn’t come as a surprise. It just means that one or both parties were not able to keep up with all the grand expectations that a date entails. You know how things go awry when you go up to present a speech just because of those stupid nerves? Yeah, we all deal with those stupid nerves on a date. And nerves can translate into what seems like a never-ending date of errors. I still believe most people are well-meaning and that a bad date doesn’t necessarily mean that person was a bad match. A person you had a bad date with can actually be a great boyfriend/girlfriend. They just might not do well under all that pressure. Besides nerves, another factor that contributes to bad dates is lack of experience. Women and men are different. Put them in the same place with little experience, both holding on to different ideas of what is appropriate/inappropriate, right and wrong, add a jumble of nerves and a s**tload of unrealistic expectations and you’re bound end up with a mess every now and then. Again, this is why I’m in favor of holding off on the grand “date” until you’ve managed to get to know someone in a natural every day setting.  

Myth 4: Movies and dinner is the best first date.  Okay, I understand that sometimes you want to date someone who you aren’t going to get a chance to hang out in a “natural” setting because you won’t run into them again, they don’t frequent your regular hang outs with friends or coworkers, or you met them online. So, this is when the date is kind of necessary. Movies and dinner is possibly the worst first date option, and sadly it is the most common first date. Read about why it’s a bad first date choice and what makes a great first date here:   Where to go on a First Date  

Myth 5: For Guys: She’ll like me more if I’m interesting.  For guys this whole “show her I’m interesting” translates to “let me tell her about all my interests and accomplishments.” A lot of women complain that their dates talk way too much about themselves. I understand that your purpose is very well meaning when you dominate the conversation because you’re just trying to impress her. You may not even realize you’re dominating the conversation. I mean, you’re just answering her inquiries, right? She could be genuinely interested and therefore she’s asking all the questions, but she will make a mental note that says, “This guy is really into himself.” Unfortunately, women would rather men show they are  “interested” in them by asking a ton of questions instead of trying to appear “interesting” by talking about himself the whole time. Here’s the thing guys. Men are usually proud and insecure or humble and confident.  There’s a huge difference between the two, and women are looking for the latter. The proud and insecure man has to flaunt all his accomplishments and interests, while the humble and confident man is so sure of himself that he doesn’t need to parade those things. He’s on the date to get to know the girl and show his interest, not the other way around.  

Myth 6: For Girls: Chivalry is dead.  For the ladies who are looking for a gentleman, they are out there. They aren’t so bold these days, and it’s not really their fault. We live in the post-feminism world. It did wonders to our paychecks but made the Lancelots of our day a bit gun shy. For one, some women actually get offended when guys open doors, offer to help them with carrying bags or try to pay for dinner. Things have gotten a bit distorted. I think men like being gentlemen, but only where their efforts are appreciated. When a man opens a door for a woman, it’s not his way of saying he thinks you’re incapable or that he doesn’t respect your independence, it’s his way of saying “I want to make your experience with me as comfortable and free of inconvenience as possible.” So, my point is that if chivalry seems dead, it’s not the guy’s fault. It’s up to us women to show the gentlemen in our lives that we appreciate the little things they do to make our lives more comfortable and convenient.  

Those are the myths. Here are the realities:

1. The best way to get to know someone is to hang out with them in a natural environment with friends or coworkers.

2. People always present the “best” version of themselves on a date that turns out well. That isn’t necessarily who they are all the time.

3. A bad date has nothing to do with compatibility and everything to do with a flawed system of courtship.

4. Movies and dinner sets up the worst possible scenario: You’re not able to talk for the first two hours, and then you’re forced to maintain a stream of conversation for the following two hours.

5. She’ll like you more if you show you’re interested in getting to know her instead of proving you’re an interesting person.

6. If chivalry is dead, it’s because women did the killing.

MidoriLei is a writing tutor and an independent fashion designer. She writes a traditional dating advice column at By Dating Advice from a Girl